Talk about painful. As most often I am in the middle of a great book, written by the inspirational Martha Beck. Of the many things I have learned and acknowledged in this potent, sometimes hard to swallow book, that sometimes, more often than not… Great growth and change requires huge amounts of work, dedication and death. Death! The parts of you that are no longer working for you. They must die. They may be your comfort zone, but they are no longer comfortable. For each and every day that you sit in that comfort zone, you are feeling more and more imprisoned in your own reclining chair. Who would have thought that prison, could feel so darn comforting?
When I speak of death, it’s a purely metaphysical experience. You are slowly letting go of past stories, old wounds, lessons your parents taught you, and self negative thoughts you have gathered along your journey of life! They are often so embedded in our daily routine, we hardly recognize they are there. It’s a subtle as “Off to another wonderful day at the office, Maybe tomorrow will be better?” Or “My parents were right, when they said I would never be able to have a good relationship, so I may as well accept what this is, and stick it out.” Or “Why can’t life be easy?” “What am I doing wrong?” “Will I ever find a job I love?” “I’m never going to get ahead, this is life!” Any self negative talk or behavior, that was either learned, shown, or you grew into will have to die a slow, painful death in order for you to fully experience your full potential and purpose in life.
This really is the tip of the iceberg, the pill you mus swallow in order to experience relief, and joy deep within your mind. We all have the potential to grow, to be our best selves, but somewhere along the road of life, we listened to, too many other people, who more often than not, are the folks who love us the most. They only want the very best for us. They really don’t want us to fail. And more than anything they are just giving advice that was handed down from generations of folks who lived life the exact same way. Each of these generations just accepted what is! They didn’t second guess their roles in society or where they should work, or whether they would stay married, even if the marriage is a disaster. They just did it! They stayed unhappy because they were shown there are no other options. Well, I’ve gotta tell you…. Really, honestly there are! Not easy options. Painful options. The choice is always yours to make. You can sit, stuck in your comfortable prison of life, where every day you feel the walls are falling in on you, or you can take a leap of faith, do a small painful step every day, to break those bars that are holding you back from living a life, filled with joy, happiness, success and personal satisfaction. I mean really, who ever came up with the concept that it is not ok, to be personally satisfied! Doesn’t that sound absurd!
Working through this process is challenging, and I would highly recommend working on it with a life coach, trusted friend, family member (someone with their own personal satisfaction in order), a co-worker(struggling with the same thing, you can at least be support for one another), or your minister, priest or clergy. Anyone who can be your personal motivator, cheerleader, inspiration, mentor, brainstorming back board, and accountability coach! You will not want to go through this death alone! This process requires that you break free from old, past hurts. Learning to live exclusively in the present, not the future, and certainly not the past. You must defy self negative behavior and talk. You need to learn to love yourself, trust yourself, and grow deeply within yourself. It’s about trusting you more than those that love you! Hard to digest, and those that love you, WILL not approve of your new found strength from within. It’s not that they don’t want you to be happy, they just simply won’t understand the fundamentals of what you are going through. And when you don’t understand something, most people fear it!
Below I have listed 3 Extreme Ice-Breakers for Melting away your old, worn out beliefs, and challenging a welcoming, new, and fresh belief system! If your not ready for major change, don’t jump in…Cause there is potential for a long, drawn out, death.
1. Jump In~ You have two choices, once you make this decision. Either you learn to swim, wade, drift or you drown! Whatever choice you are beating yourself up about, and being wishy washy with…Now’s the time to make you or break you! I told you, it’s extreme! If you want a divorce, ask for one! If you want to move, call the broker, put your house on the market. If you hate your job quit. Either way, when you really think about it. Deep down you know what choice you want to make. Most of us do! We are just always waiting for one more thing to fall into place, more money in the bank, the perfect job to fill the one we hate, the spouse to change into a more loving, kind, and passionate companion, or the housing market to improve. They might happen. Who knows! I certainly am no fortune teller. But what I can tell you, is it’s not happening today! And a big part of self care, is living in today! Tomorrow is not guaranteed to anyone!
2. Defy Your Role~Stop people pleasing! Listen to your heart, and that quiet knowing voice, deep down in your mind! That voice sings a song just for you! It’s yours and yours alone. None of us have the same tune, we all have something unique and different to offer to the world. What is yours saying to you?
Defying your role, may include saying no to the sibling who asks for help constantly but does nothing for anyone else. It might be saying no to the boss, who knows you will follow through with flying colors, so he personally volunteers you to be the head of a new project…(that deep down inside, you could care less about). It could also be, not engaging in daily friend and family drama.
Here’s a little first hand scenario that played out not too long ago with my mom. She came for a visit, and not too long into it, she was already challenging my patience. Really pushing for a fight. But I had recently decided…I am not going there anymore! She will have to find another partner for the boxing match! Sadly, my mom has always been the negative nelly. Why didn’t you do this? Why didn’t you finish college? This relationship won’t last either, just like your marriage! On and on it goes with my mom. I love her, because she’s my mom. But seriously when someone has nothing nice or positive, or affirming to say you, it does NOT matter how much you love them! You shouldn’t put up with that behavior from anyone! So to make the story short, I paced my living room, I wouldn’t respond to her slams, and when I didn’t talk. She accused me of hiding my feelings, and being a cold bitch! I burst!!! I looked straight at her, and told her until she could be respectful, say things in a manner that was helpful and not negative and degrading, to please leave MY home and don’t come back! Yes, she just about fell over. “Are you serious?” That was her response. Mine was simply, I love you, but I love me more! So please leave. I was hoping for a miracle, but it didn’t happen. That was the day the old, worn out Shelley DIED. The one who was no longer going to be pushed around by the people who claimed to love me. I literally in my brain, envisioned myself throwing that person in the closet and locking the door forever!
Have I spoken to my mom, Yes. It was a short, distant, 5 minute conversation on the phone. When I could tell, she was headed back toward her old patterns, I wrapped up the conversation with I love you, and just wanted to say A quick hello. I hope some day she gets it! I will never deny my mom, my love. I will always hug her, and give her a big, fat wet smooch on her cheek, but I will not be treated with disrespect because I didn’t live up to someone else’s standards! I don’t have too!!!
3. The Bad in the Good~ Do you have a favorite toy? Car? Place? A special event that happened to you? Is there someone in your life, whom you adore to the stars and beyond? Do you have a talent or gift that you are blooming in? Think up a fabulous event, thing, or person that generates joy, happiness, and glowing smiles. Now think, How did this event/thing come into my life? So for example, when I say “I have a passion for writing, and living my life according to me.” How did I get this way? I went through a very dark space of transition. This passion for writing was born over night, nor was it born from my life being smooth sailing. It came from heartache, feeling broken, overwhelmed, and defeated. It was through that extremely despairing space in my life that I began to write again. Not just write in a journal, but deeply pick apart my life, truths, and inner demons and work them out the door. Every day I feel I am living my life, finally according to me. But it was only once I stopped wallowing in the self-pity of how my marriage failed, and stopped blaming myself for all the failures in it, that I was truly able to see the Good that stemmed from the horrific black pit I was in!
You may have to investigate a bit to find the bad within the good, but you will certainly more often than not, find that with all good there was a bad. The lesson in this, is that even in your darkest hour, you can literally show yourself on paper, that good things will come! They do. It’s how life works. We learn lessons, we become more creative, we stop listening to other’s and show up for our own lives. Eventually that grim space you are in, will fade away, and you will be showing up with bells on, dancing your own dance, smiling within!
My little disclaimer to each of you:
I am not a certified doctor/therapist, or councelor. I am in the midst of achieving my hours for Certification with ICA. None of the posts in my blogs are to be used to diagnose or treat any sort of mental illness. If you are suffering from a form of mental illness, please seek appropriate medical treatment. Thank you for reading and following my journey!